Jalex Fights
by CleverforClever
Summary: Another series of ficlets. Justin and Alex fighting it out. Go figure.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One; I'll Shake My Spear for You!

Justin felt his heat rise as his sister smirked at him across the classroom. How did she ever qualify for this class?!

"Can anyone tell me what 'Romeo and Juliet' is about? Anyone?"

Justin raised his hand, "It's about two star-crossed lovers who are meant to be together, but through circumstance and fate, are not allowed."  
Their teacher nodded and turned around. As he spun, he noticed, to his shock, that another hand was raised, "Alex Russo?"

The entire classroom turned as if in a dream. She had never volunteered information before- ever!

"Justin's wrong," She rolled her eyes to his audible gasp, "It's about lust."

The students looked around warily. Could she even say that in front of a teacher?

"How so, Miss Russo?"

She cleared her throat, and began, "Okay, yeah, it's nice to think that this whole thing is about fate, or coincidence, but let's be honest here; Romeo and Juliet both wanted to hump like bunnies," A few people choked, "They just didn't have the ability to do as much as they wanted to. A common complaint."

The teacher paled a bit, "I think Shakespeare was a bit more complicated than that…"

Alex pushed her lips out and shook her head, "Nah, guy was a huge pervert. Read his sonnets, the guy was a _giant_ horn-dog! Juliet stabs herself with Romeo's sword. Freud would probably say Shakespeare was compensating."

Justin chirped irritably, "That's it! Just because Shakespeare could write better than you doesn't mean you can demean his work! You owe him some respect! And Romeo truly loved **JULIET**, just 'cause they couldn't be together…"

Alex rolled her eyes again, "Yeah, whatever."

"Not whatever! When Romeo meets Juliet, they make a sonnet together!"

"Kinky."

"You know what I mean!"

"Please! I could make a sonnet about my butt! And Shakespeare would too!"

"Alex, you can barely read, but really go ahead!"

His sister inflated her chest to its fullest, and went ahead,

"Whose cheeks are cheeky,

'Tis Alex, so sexy, smart, and funny,

And whose curse we peek, she's-

No Justin whose nose knows it's too runny!

Well now who knows the word?

To describe the world's biggest geek?

We all know this nerd!

The biggest loser every day, every week!

Who's got the best "treasure chest" better than the rest?

Alex's curves break the grade point average!

Justin, who sucks due to his zest

Sees it is me the sexiest maverick!

Who's got the sass, it-

(Alex pauses her poem to run her hands along her curves, every boy watches in fascination.)

Must be sexy Alex with her nice-

"Alex!"

"What? I'm just talking about my assets!"

Justin knew which 'assets' she would be talking about. He glared at her while his cheeks turned bright red. The two turned their entire attentions to one another. Justin regarded her coolly, "The man was a genius!"

"The man was a lonely nerd who couldn't get a girlfriend."

"He wrote about love, and war, and how humans really are!"

"Shakespeare had no friends- he thought he was so high class, when he was just a loser!"

"He had class! And wrote about class warfare! Don't criticize him just because you have no class!"

Alex opened her mouth, but the teacher interrupted, "Justin's right," He turned to her, "You're have no class right now, because this is _not_ your class, so get out. Everyone else turn to page one thousand thirteen."  
Blushing, Alex picked up her backpack and left for free-period. Justin rushed out into the hall, "Nice try." He pecked her cheek.

A.N. Not really sure why I wrote this. I am reading a lot of Shakespear so... go figure.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two: Ladies and Gentleman  
"We now begin the annual Debate Off," Laritate looked down the list of contestants, "Justin Russo and… Alex Russo?"

"Uh oh," everyone who knew the two looked over, frightened.

"Justin."

"Alex."

Laritate swallowed nervously, "Our first topic; men vs. women. Justin, you will be on the side of women." He bowed his head obediently, "Alex, you will on the side of the men."

Her eyebrows bobbed up suggestively when the boys in the audience hooted, "I always am on my side for the men."

Justin muttered under his breath, "You're always _on_ your side for any man."

Laritate turned bright red, "Now… begin!"

"Ladies, first, I insist," Justin suavely let his guard down, knowing full well that Alex had little to no idea what was going on, "If you are really a lady…"

Alex's mouth opened, then shut, then opened again, "Well, my dear brother, I would absolutely _hate_ to take from your moment in the sun, I defer," her hand waved generously.

Justin inclined his head and went to work, "For thousands of years, women have suffered at the hands of men; in war, in peace, in sickness and in health. The fact is that men have, for as long as we have history, kept women from their proper place."

He shut his mouth before a penalty alarm went off. He wanted to play it safe; keeping it short and to the point. Alex started on him, "Let's be honest, ladies, we like to be put in our place," She smirked, "Just because my brother doesn't know how to keep a women there doesn't mean we don't know where we should be."

He blushed and continued, "It is the duty of women to inform the public of needs not being met; and the job of the public to meet those needs."

"Not that Justin can meet those needs," Her tongue wagged out a bit, "His duty stinks!"

Justin hissed in frustration. Alex had no idea how to debate, but that did not stop her from humiliating him. Well, he made it his life work to humiliate her on a regular basis…

"Thank you, Alex. I must point out that not every woman is as open as you are to the public," He opened his legs lewdly.

Alex quickly noted her brother had moved to the offensive, and switched up her tactics too, "Well, it's better than being a close-minded guy like you."

"At least I don't blow all my money on clothes!"

"I don't blow at all!" Alex snapped at her brother.

"Maybe you just suck. Let's ask the men in the audience," Justin earned a couple of snickers.

"I was about to ask the same thing about you," Her remark earned an 'ooooh' from the audience.

Fine, she wanted to play dirty? He could play dirty!

"Well, let me ask you then, Alex, what position do you think women should take?" Justin knew she would come up with a good answer, but it was part of a larger plan to trap her. Alex happily accepted the challenge.

"Since my brother seems to have no idea what position women like, let me say this," She winked to the audience, "Given my sex, I'd say I can take any position at all needed."

Justin blushed, but not so much it distracted him, "Well then, I must say that as a man, it is our duty to fill any holes you've left open, because I know you're so lazy."

Alex winced. Her square brother wanted to play rough, "Well, you must fill them completely. I'm not lazy; I just want to finish first."

"You're already finished here, Alex. I'm not sure who you think can fill every hole, but I'd think that would cause a health crisis."

"Oh, most men are quite vital. You'll understand when you become a man, try and take health class to figure that out."

Another chorus of 'oooohs' sounded. Justin flushed, and moved on, "Well, I know how much you like to help others become men. Maybe if you wouldn't need so many holes filled, they would be just fine the way they are. That I learned about in health class."

"Oh, Justin, only you- yes, I mean _only you_ would think a man doesn't need a woman to fill a hole. Maybe you do too much by yourself."

"Maybe I don't need a man to take care of me like you do! I can't remember how many times you've come to me, begging for my help, on your knees because of what a loose screw you are. And every time, no matter how bad you were, I took care of you, and I don't get any thanks whatsoever! I pick you up when you go down!" His eyes went wide when the penalty buzzer went off. Alex smirked eerily. She knew- she must have known all along. He cooled momentarily.

"Well, Justin, I suppose you must feel needed, which is really sad," She pursed her lips and nodded in disgust, "But don't worry, your baby sister is here to school you."

Justin shook in anger, "My baby sister barely ever shows up to school….!"

She decided to bring it home, "Gentlemen, I speak for you; do you really want a bad girl like me? Let's be honest; you don't want more of me, you can barely handle the one you've got. So, in conclusion, the reasons men suppressed women all those years are because you couldn't handle someone like me!"

Alex won. She smirked as she looked over at Justin. He never expected to lose to her. She had certainly earned herself a kiss. Justin fumed at her. This was not over.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three: Home at Last

"Hey honey!" Theresa greeted her children with some apprehension. Whenever they came home together...

"Hey Mom," Justin and Alex chorused.

"How was school today?"

Alex groaned and Justin beamed.

Justin said, "Today was Audio Visual club."  
Alex was feeling snarky, "Too much audio and visual. I wish you guys would disappear so I couldn't see or hear you."

Justin rolled his eyes, "Some people can both show and tell without looking to their older brothers for help at school. Maybe you can't handle that."  
"I know what you've been handling, older brother, and it should neither be shown nor told." She pointed down south on him, "Especially since no one else will touch it."

"Oooo- touchy today are we?"

"You've never touched a girl so you have to ask my opinion?"

"I ask very little from you because you can supply only pathetic lies."

"Your pathetic little life is so lame, now whereas mine is great," She smiled, showing every one of her white teeth. Justin growled. Even with his accomplishments she always made him feel like he had nothing on her.

"My ass you are. My life is great, and you're like looking at the mouth of a gift horse."

"My ass is a gift," She smirked, sitting down slowly showing off, "And oh, by the way, a gift is the only way you could get a ride. And she would throw you as soon as possible."

"Is your only gift to annoy me? You're like my own personal hobby horse, one ridden about town by everyone."  
"And you're like a race horse, always the first one to finish," She made a face like he had just climaxed, mocking him.  
"I think you'll find I'll get the last word, Alex."

"I think you always come in last, Justin."

"I was the first born, stupid!"

"So, you'll be the first to die, stupid!"

Justin pursed his lips in sarcasm, "Somehow you'll find a way to surpass me. Not that you have yet- in anything!"  
"You're already halfway there; you talk like an old man."

"Age is something I would never dream you would accomplish. And you have accomplished so little."

"I know you're little Justin," Her index finger and thumbs scrunched down until the space between them was negligible, "but I've gotten some decent growth," She ran her hands around her curves.

"You certainly have trouble maturing. Someday you'll realize how your life choices will come down on your hoary head. And I don't think your head can take that."

"I can give better than I get. And I always get ahead."

"And you give and give and give head. Who hasn't gotten a nice piece of head from my little sister?"

"At least they have a piece- you're not packing anything."

"It'd be nice if you'd pack too- and leave me alone forever." Stated Justin  
"Aw… just like all the other girls in the world?" replied Alex

"I wish you weren't in my world."

"I wish you weren't in my world either."

"HA! Then no one would want to be in your world!"

"I don't believe any girl would want to live in your world."

"That makes sense because I can't believe you're a girl."  
"I can believe you're a girl."  
"You're not hard to fool, Alex."  
"You've always been a fool, Justin!"

"At least I don't fool around too much."

"Of course not, you're too much of a fool."

"Wow, was coming up with a decent insult too hard?"

"I don't think you get hard with girls," Alex ran her tongue across her lips.

"I'm only hard on you because you deserve it," Justin glared, "And I want you to take this opportunity to learn from you r_big_ brother."

"I have a hard time believing you've had the opportunity to get hard. You're just a big ol' softie, aren't you?" She put her middle finger up in a phallic manner. She then let it droop limply.

"I'm big alright, and harder than you've ever had."

"Just a big head," Alex tilted her head, "and hard-headed."

"The rest of it is big too, not just the head," He winked at her.

"Is that what Zeke claims?"

"Zeke gives compliments where they are due- Which is why he never gives you one. "

"Is it better to give than receive? I should ask Zeke how you two handle that question. You know, when it _comes_ up," She took that same finger and pushed it up forcefully.

"Zeke's busy, but would probably ask when you're due."

Alex was confused, "Because I'm out late instead of living like an old man?"

"Because you're busy getting checked out and used."

"I'm a hot commodity; of course people want to check me out. You should be out of here, but there's no one willing to go out with you."

"I ought to take you out."

"You ought to do many things," Alex quirked her lips, "But I hear you're like bad take out. **Unsatisfying**."

"I'm surprised you hear anything with that big mouth," He pointed to her lips, and then flicked her ear, "Maybe you should talk less, listen more. Then you wouldn't be dissatisfied." His head leaned the same way it always did when she had boy problems.

"I will when someone important comes along. And you cannot satisfy me."  
"You would not know who's important, but you certainly know which guys are long."

"You're not long, Justin, you just go on and on…. And on!"

"I do **get it on** quite often."

"But you can't get it **_up_**. That's okay, it's a problem many **boys** like you have."

"You're a problem _many boys have __**had**_. And that's not okay."

"Boys don't have me, I have them. And then they can't even _get up_ after I've had them, okay?"

"No one wants to; they just want to go six feet under."

"Is that your nickname? I know you're small for a boy…" Alex scrunched that horrible middle finger, making it small.

"And you seem to know male anatomy well enough to judge."  
"I'm not prejudiced; I'm just not sure you have male anatomy. Besides Zeke."

"And you've once again proved you know nothing."

"Which is more than you will ever prove to anyone," Alex paused for effect, "Give up. You're too pathetic to keep going on." She dared him on with those dark flashing eyes.

"I do keep getting it on, don't I? And you just keep going off."

"I wish you would get on with it because no one will get you off."

"You really only get what I help you out with."

"You'll get a kick out of how I'll help you out!" She kicked his leg. He jumped back in pain, before coming back for more.

"I don't think you can!"

"You've no idea what I can do," She lithely ground her body against the counter.

"I've no idea have many you've done."

"I know how many you have; none."

"I've done some, and by that I mean more than one."

"That's how I think of you," She pointed towards the bathroom, "Go number one!"

"Which makes you number two," He smirked, tapping his behind, "You act like you're two."

"I am **_too_** much for only **_one_** you! And you are always just one; no one else can even act like they want you!"

"Try not to think too much, you'll hurt yourself. As for being alone, well; my little sister will always be alone!" He pinched her cheeks.

Alex fumed, "I'm better off without anyone, **butt** those are the only cheeks you've managed to touch."

"I know what you touch when you're alone, and let me say how glad I am you don't touch me with those fingers."

"And yet you don't know how to touch a girl. If I'm number two, you must be further down the list. You're not number one or two. You're like a three," She held up her hand, index, a middle finger bent at the first knuckle, and a ring finger, "Only a three has something here." She tapped the middle finger.

"I can get a threesome."

"Three ones don't mean much to a ten like me," She put her hands on her hips, "And I am often described as being a big ten."

"The word they use to describe you is 'often' as in; frequently. And they get much use out of you, don't they?" Justin quirked his eyebrow suggestively, "and you are getting bigger, so go on a diet." He poked her baby fat. Big mistake.

She hissed, "People describe me frequently because I'm interesting. And no one can figure out what to use you for."

"I'm number one, not number four. Are you still unable to count?" He added his condescension by patting her head.

"Well, you've been there be-fore," she pointed down again, "Often the only one."

"And you use two because **_you're the only one_**," He made a rude gesture by rubbing two of his fingers in across a 'v' formation on his hand, "Or maybe I should ask your husky friend. She seems to help you the way you think Zeke helps me."

"I know **_you're_** not my husky friend," She patted his arms, making him self-conscious about his musculature.

"No one wants to be your friend. You know that!"

"I know everyone want to be better than friends with me, and why wouldn't they?"

"Everyone is better than you."

"And yet you aren't. I guess that makes you nobody."

Their heads bounced back and forth in time like a metronome as the parried on another at dizzying speeds, like dancers stuck in a metronome they volleyed back and forth and back and forth.

"You have to guess because you aren't better than me."

"Which is better than being nobody," She tilted her head the Alex-way, switching to the offensive. Well… more offensive, "So what's your boyfriend call you? Is it- 'Justin'-? Nothing more?" Her fingers slipped between a 'O' she made with her hand and slipped the phallic two fingers just inside the hole.

"You know what your boyfriend calls you; never. He should be afraid of calling you," Justin picked up the phone, pretending to listen for a caller, and then slammed it back on the cradle while making mouthing 'no one' as if he had received a blank call, "Sometimes I don't even know what to call you, though some things do come to mind."

"I'm not afraid of getting called out. I'm just empathetic all those girls you keep calling and calling who never pick up," She picked up the phone, mocking the pose he made when he called Miranda.

"Girls like you are too easy to pick up," he took the phone from her and put it back.

"But I'm hard to put down. I know how hard it is for you to get up."

"I am always hard, and I always get it up. The way I hear it, you go down real easy."

"I keep it real; like a nice drink of water; smooth and refreshing," Alex accentuated the move by taking a glass between her cherry red lips. She swallowed noisily, licking her lips lewdly.

"More like ice, brittle and cold. I stay fresh regardless," Justin popped his collar, striking a cool pose.

"I am like ice; always cool. You're like a milkshake that's gone bad." She dropped the drink on the ground.

"At least I don't have to shake my milk," He pointed to her chest, "To get attention."

"I have something that gets attention- you're the one everyone ignores. No one cares about what you do at school," She turned her back on him.

"Only to those who are ignorant," He scowled, chasing after her, "And I have worked hard for the spots I have at school."

"Congratulations, you're still the number one in that spot. Of course, no one else wants that spot because you're a loser!"

"At least I know what my spot is; and I've secured it with hard work. No matter how loose you are, your spot is beneath me."

"I'm no loser; I'm tight." She nodded her head.

"Still? I would expect," He pointed to random guys from their school, "Numbers sixteen through fifty-five to have loosened you up."

"Then you must have a few screws loose," Alex made the coo-coo motion with her hand.

"At least I'm not a loose screw."

"You can't screw because of how uptight you are," Alex poked Justin

"I get up into tight girls, okay?" Justin poked Alex.

"Yeah, but you never get an," Alex spread her legs slightly, clenched her eyes, and opened her mouth in an 'o' shape, as if embracing a lover, "Oh…" She opened her eyes and perked up, "-'kay, Justin?"

"I get 'A's, Alex, not that you would know what that's like. So it's more of an 'Aaaah…', like a dentist."

"You're a dentist? Because everybody hates you?"  
"I get plenty of love from pretty girls. And I know you get much more than any girl should, too." He swept the water on the floor in her direction, splashing her feet. She recoiled.

"You're not a pretty girl, Justin, so of course you wouldn't understand why I get so much love. And I do it without having to tell people to brush and floss," She pointed to the dental floss on his key chain, "Which is way gross."

"The way you do it is real gross," He made a face, and pushed the broom in her direction. His sister caught it without missing a beat.

"I like it dirty;" She snarled huskily, "A neat freak like you wouldn't understand what that means." Alex kicked the broom back to him.

"It still means you're a freak," He pushed the broom in her face.

"And you will never get dirty-freaky with a girl," Alex grabbed a broom and slid her hands aggressively (suggestively) on the wooden shaft.

"At least I don't need someone to clean up after me," He grabbed the broom and swept up.

"So you're like a janitor?"

"No, I'm like a doctor; I fix what's wrong with you," He waved to her whole body.

"Not a real doctor like a dentist, more like a nurse," She jutted out her hip, as if to imply he were a female nurse, "who likes to have her temperature taken- the old fashioned way." She once again made the lewd piercing gesture, as if he had the thermometer up his butt.

"At least some of us have the ability to nurse. You still have to mature," He pointed at her chest again. She crossed her arms defensively.

"You go to Mom to nurse."

"You go to Mom to whine."

"I can handle my wine; you're just a light-weight."

"I'd noticed you put one some weight, big sister," He patted her stomach.

"I'll put a pound on you."

"No, no, no," Justin thrust his hips, "I pound out."

"I heard how it goes down; guys pound you."

"That's not how 'it' goes down. And you do go down round after round."

"I have my fair share going around," She ran her fingers up her thighs to her waist and across her bosom, "Who can go round after round."

"I get around."

"Is that his name? A. Round?"

"No, you're confusing him with your goal to get around All Aroundtown," He made a pregnant gesture, "Until you are round."  
"I haven't put on a pound," Alex rubbed her stomach self-consciously. She pointed to his muscles, again, "And neither have your 'guns'. More like pea shooters."

"I use my gun plenty. You're the one who decided to shoot her mouth off."

"That's not a gun, it's a toy. And at least I can turn my mouth off."

"No, you turn," Justin mock-copied oral sex, "and let them shoot in." He made a loud swallowing sound.

"You're really quite practiced at that," Alex's eyebrow quirked up.

"You're well practiced- oh wait, you're too lazy to do anything. Not that you haven't let anyone do you."

Alex had just taken a deep breath, "No one is too lazy to-"

"ENOUGH!" Theresa was done. Her face was flushed, "I don't care what you do, or how you do it, or who you do it to," She pushed them together, "Just finish it! I am really getting concerned about you two! This relationship is sick and dysfunctional! Are you trying to build sexual tension or what?!"

Silence took over. The entire restaurant had been watching the exchange. People filed out.

Alex sighed, "Anyone would do me- you're the one who needs the practice."

Theresa gave up, walking away to Justin commenting, "I don't need to- you're the one no one wants to be around." He marched into the lair with a pompous air, "I guess you're allowed to be here even though you're barely a _real_ wizard."

"That's the same reason you're allowed into the men's room," Alex smirked before turning back to her magazine, "Are we really going to keep this up? I can, but you," She was waist-level, and dropped her eyes to the joint of his pants, "Can barely get it up."

Justin fumed, "What do you want?"

"What do you think?" She came closer. His breathing got more and more erratic.

"I hate you."

"Of course you do…"

They stared at each other, knowing exactly what they wanted, but just inches from finishing it.

"Some day, we'll finish this, Alex."

"Heh," She walked away with extra sway to her hips, "You always finish too quickly."

A.N. Read and Review!


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